Joe Tracini suffers from suicidal thoughts which write off "whole days".
The ‘Hollyoaks’ star – who plays Dennis Savage on the Channel 4 soap – has opened up about nearly taking his own life six years ago and admits that while the years have passed "it doesn’t mean the thoughts have gone", and he has an "underlying shame and fear" when he is experiencing "any moment of happiness".
To highlight World Suicide Prevention Day (10.09.18), Joe wrote on Twitter: "Hello you. I’ve written this for anyone, like me, that’s living with suicidal thoughts, and to try and make sense of them for anyone that isn’t x
#WorldSuicidePreventionDay (sic)"
In the piece, he wrote: "It’s been 6 years since I stood on top of a bridge, staring at the London skyline, considering what my life and soul were worth.
"But just because the years have passed, it doesn’t mean the thoughts have gone. They still come, and they still go.
"If you’re like me and feel like that sometimes, the most important thing to take from this is that they ALWAYS go.
"See it, recognise it, accept that it’s there if you can, and try and wait it out. Sometimes I have to write off whole days.
"I’ve had the luxury of many years of therapy, so I have lots of things to try and do to get through it. But often, that’s not enough. I just have to go "ok. You’re here today then", and I tell somebody, and I wait (sic)"
Joe admitted it is "really hard" to tell someone that he feels like taking his own life, and such feelings can come on when he is "absolutely fine".
He wrote: "The moments I’m not thinking about killing myself far out way the moments that I am. But when they’re there, they’re alone. Very flat. Unfeeling. Kill yourself.
"I can be absolutely fine, then for the slightest reason (often no reason at all), I’ll skip the entire spectrum of human emotion, straight to the end. Kill yourself (sic)"
Joe admits he is "terrified" and "ashamed" about feeling happy, which leaves him "exhausted".
He added: "There is underlying shame and fear within any moment of happiness. As if the thoughts are asleep, and I’m scared that it’ll wake them up. That they might hear my happy and be like, "LADS, he’s feeling good, let’s do this."
"Imagine that, being terrified and ashamed of feeling ok. It is exhausting (sic)"
In May, Joe opened up about previously contemplating suicide in a piece for Mental Health Week, and revealed he had been diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, also known as Borderline Personality Disorder.
He wrote: "I was a drug addict. I don’t do drugs now. I was an alcoholic. I don’t drink now. I was suicidal. I’m alive. If you are, or have been, any of those things, know now that I am proof that, even if it’s only for a limited period of time, change is possible."
Joe Tracini opens up about suicidal thoughts
