Noah Kahan felt like “the least cool guy” at the Grammy Awards.
The ‘Stick Season’ hitmaker – who had viral success with the hit last year -took his mother to the star-studded bash earlier this month and has admitted he didn’t feel “deserving” or “worthy” to be in the same room as the likes of Taylor Swift and Beyonce, despite being nominated for Best New Artist.
He told The Guardian newspaper: “I was sitting by myself, like: ‘Whoa, I am the least cool guy at the party right now.’ My mom is killing it, everyone around me is killing it. It played into this idea that I have about myself – which isn’t healthy – that I don’t belong.”
The 27-year-old singer-songwriter has vowed to work on his impostor syndrome.
He laughed: “I could have gotten up and said hello to somebody – it’s my own making.
“It’s one of those things that I need to work on, finding out how to feel deserving and worthy.”
From a young age, the ‘Homesick’ star suffered from Depersonalisation Disorder – the experience of feeling unreal, detached, and often, unable to feel emotion.
Despite being prescribed Prozac and having therapy, Noah still battles with the phenomenon.
He explained: “I feel like I’m floating above myself and I come to this sudden realisation that I don’t feel like I am in the world – it’s like living in a dream. I think, looking back, that’s probably the first manifestation of my depression and anxiety.”
Asked if he still experiences the disorder, he replied: “I do, when I’m really stressed out.”
Noah added: “It’s something I have to keep a constant watch over.”
Noah suffered a breakdown in his early 20s after trying to succeed in music but not making songs that were good enough in his eyes.
It led him into a spiral of “binge-eating, smoking weed, not sleeping enough” and Googling himself to see if he’d made it yet.
He recalled: “I was just so burnt out.
“I was in one of those deep downswing depression things, where you’re doing every single thing that’s going to make you feel [rubbish] but it’s the only thing that feels good. For me, it’s binge-eating, smoking weed, not sleeping enough, being on my phone all day and looking at my name online to see if anyone cares about me anymore.”
Noah found himself trying to cookie-cutter other songwriters’ hits and fell into a “dark place”, but fortunately his parents picked up on how he was acting and got him the help he needed.
He said of trying to copy others: “[It was] just a false existence where I felt like I was taking up space in the world and wasting my time. That was a dark place and my parents … I’ll never forget how kind and receptive they were to talking to me and letting me know that I was going to be OK – and getting me some help.”