Adam Rickitt used to go to bed "praying" he died in his sleep.
The ‘Hollyoaks’ star’s character Kyle Kelly tragically took his own life this month, and the 42-year-old star has opened up on his own battle with suicidal thoughts, admitting the only reason he didn’t kill himself during his younger years was to ensure he didn’t "ruin" his parents’ lives.
He said: "From the age of about 17, I was essentially suicidal.
"The only thing that stopped me was knowing that my parents would blame themselves and it would ruin their lives. I couldn’t do that to them.
"But I decided I was going to do everything self destructive I could in the hope I died in my sleep.
"I used to go to bed praying every night, ‘Please, for the love of God, do not let me wake up in the morning.’ I just thought, ‘What’s the point? I’ll always be miserable.’ "
Adam admitted the turning point in his life came 10 years later when he took on a three-month job in New Zealand aged 27, and he went on to rescue a litter of puppies which gave him a "reason to exist".
He added: "I got offered a three-month job in New Zealand. I told myself I’d do those three months and then I’d probably kill myself. But it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
"I loved the job. In New Zealand there was zero celebrity culture and that need for other people’s approval disappeared, because nobody gave a s**t! It was a clean slate and for the first time in 15 years, I had a feeling maybe there was a chance I’d be happy one day.
"Then I rescued a litter of puppies. They gave me a reason to wake up. I kept Rufus. He became my reason to exist. It’s a gradual process. A little light comes in every day."
As a result of his own experiences, Adam – who starred in New Zealand soap ‘Shortland Street’ from 2007 to 2010 as Kieran Mitchell – admitted he had "mixed emotions" about taking on his final ‘Hollyoaks’ plot.
Speaking to OK! magazine, he added: "There were mixed emotions. Pride that the show was doing it, and they trusted me, but also fear as I knew I’d have to get into that headspace again."